Is the pain of grief wearing you down? Does the depth of pain you feel surprise you? How have others been able to persist in such circumstances and do their complaining job?
Grief work is a term coined by psychiatrist Eric Lindemann in 1944 that highlights the fact that adjusting to the death of a loved one requires a lot of energy, commitment, and hard work. Grievance work frequently entails both physical and emotional pain. And while the pain of a great loss is unavoidable, it can be managed and, in many cases, reduced.
Here are six fundamental factors that will play a key role in how your complaints work pans out, whether it drags on or becomes excessive. You can’t avoid or ignore the pain, but you can clearly lessen its intensity.
1. Look for safe places and safe people. In times of loss, we all need to find a safe, familiar place to be and people who allow us to be who we are in that moment and not lead too much. Look especially for those who will accept your pain, as you express it, and not try to work it out. Stay away from toxic people who say the wrong things and add to your discomfort. If your home is constantly full of caregivers, feel free to go to your bedroom or another part of the house to be alone and away from the constant bustle. These rest times are critical to the energy levels needed in mourning.
2. Take primary responsibility for coping with pain. Even though he is deeply hurt, he is still in charge of how he grieved. Here are three essential steps: First, know that what you’re feeling is normal even though you feel so out of control and helpless. You’re not “losing” it. Second, and this is where your responsibility weighs heavily, reach out to someone you trust for support. Yes, we need each other and it’s okay to ask for help. Tell the person or people that you need them and specifically what you need. Third, recognize when you have become too focused on your pain and be willing to find a quick distraction. It’s okay and healthy to take a break from your grief.
3. Refuse to let the reactions of others influence your normal response. After a period of a few weeks, you may have friends who are getting tired of your grief. They may not want to talk about it or have excuses why they can’t visit you. Accept this common response, even if it’s from a good friend. Keep crying as you see fit. Never let anyone set a time limit on your complaint. You’ll know when it starts to go down. And, remember, there is a wide range of normality.
4. Trust your spiritual roots. Turn to your faith tradition and seek the spiritual nourishment it provides. Cry out for strength to carry this load. Pray for the wisdom to choose the path of adaptation and reinvestment in life that is best for you. If you nurture your spiritual self, you can bear any burden and pass this demanding test.
5. Accept reduced production and activity. Don’t expect to be able to keep up with the usual pace you’re used to, especially if you have to go back to your 9 to 5 job. Grief is hard work and consumes energy at a fast rate. That’s why self-care is so important. Force yourself to take a daily stress break where you lie down, put your feet up, and rest. Take short walks. Treat yourself very well each day, as it is not uncommon for mourners to wear themselves down so much over time that they become ill.
6. Commit to using your complaint to grow. Be open to reviewing your beliefs about life, death, and the meaning associated with your loss. Learn all you can about complaints and how to deal with them. Beliefs have a powerful effect on everything we do, especially when mourning the death of a loved one. Look at alternative beliefs and consider that they are more meaningful to you than those you learned from well-meaning authority figures early in your life. These beliefs often need to be challenged, especially when it comes to grievances.
You have the power within you to cope with your great loss. Always look for people with potential and trust them to help you cope with your loss. Remember: your thoughts create where you go with your complaint. Find a way to awaken your courage. Courage crushes fear every time you take action. Taking decisive action is what grievance work is all about. You will prevail.