It’s a Jewish coming-of-age story familiar to most, if not all, parents of college-age children: Your college-age child comes home from a semester in school or after a traumatic event like a rupture and announces that he is no longer a Jew. Even if he doesn’t say it in so many words, his son makes it clear that he no longer has any interest in religion. He doesn’t want to attend services, doesn’t fast on Yom Kippor, or makes plans with friends instead of attending a Passover or Rosh Hashanah dinner. If your Jewish identity is important to you, you may be wondering where you went wrong and how you can fix it.
Of course, you cannot force your formerly Jewish young adult to commit to Judaism. Doing so will only push her further away. Furthermore, Judaism requires that participants come to it fully of their own volition; if your child’s heart is not in Judaism, there is little point in him continuing to perform empty rituals. G‑d doesn’t want that kind of offering and you certainly don’t want the arguments and conflicts that go along with trying to force your religious beliefs on it. So what can you do?
The first thing to realize is that the conflict is not about Judaism, and it’s not about your parenting skills. Jewish young adults, like their non-Jewish peers, often struggle to find their place in a world in which they are not prepared to live independently and to which they are expected to contribute. If your child rejects Judaism, it is likely that something is happening in his life that has led him to make that decision. It’s possible that he’s just enjoying his first chance to really make his own decision, in which case you don’t have to worry too much; he’ll probably go back to Judaism when he’s done experimenting if you leave him alone. However, something serious could have happened in his life that is making him question everything. It is common for Jewish young adults to question their religion after a bad breakup in a romantic relationship or after discovering some truth about themselves or about life that makes them question which of their other deeply held beliefs are false. The only way to find out the reason for your son’s sudden distaste for Judaism is to ask him.
If it’s important to have this conversation, it’s doubly important to broach the subject without judgment. If your child feels that it is unacceptable to you that he is not Jewish, he will not trust you enough to talk about what is really going on. Remember that as his father, you are concerned about your son, not his labels. Her goal is to find out if something is bothering her son and to offer him help with that problem if he can, not to force him to adopt a lifestyle that is more appropriate for you than for her.
The bottom line is that our young Jewish people need hope and a vision of how to live in the world. This is more important than ever, as today’s youth face a rapidly changing world filled with questions and considerations that the older generation would never have considered. Jewish youth today face questions about themselves and relationships that have to do with their sexual identities and choices, and the question “Who am I?” it is deeper and more penetrating than ever. In the past, young people looked to religion and G‑d to help them answer that question; Today, the question of what kind of deity one believes in is part of the identity crisis facing many Jewish young adults.
If young Jews are turning their backs on Judaism, it is because the religion, or at least the temples with which they are familiar, do not give them hope that things will become less confusing or that there will be answers to their dilemmas. . Jewish college-age kids look elsewhere for answers, sometimes finding the right ones and sometimes going off course. The question to ask is not, “How can I bring my son back to Judaism?” but “How can I help my son trust that he will find his place in the world?” The only thing that can be done for a child who is trying to understand himself and the world is to give him the love that he needs. By talking a lot with your son about his beliefs and experiences, you may be able to help him return to his Jewish roots. But not. Either way, he will find out who his son really is at the same time he finds out for himself.
Leaving Judaism, whether temporarily or permanently, is as safe a Jewish coming-of-age ritual as bar or bat mitzvahs. If you can accept it for what it is, part of your child’s attempt to figure out how he wants to live in the world, he’ll be much better equipped to help him navigate the path he’s chosen and hopefully end up on the right one. .