Many extramarital affairs begin and end without raising the shadow of a doubt in the mind of the unsuspecting spouse. Many others leave significant clues for anyone to see and yet the innocent spouse’s reaction is one of blind denial as he cannot face the truth. Affaires are discovered only sparingly, either because the cheating partner decides to speak out to get rid of their guilt, or because the spouse stumbles upon undeniable evidence or finds someone who lets the cat out of the bag.
The discovery of infidelity is always a crushing blow, only comparable to the news of the death of someone close.
The difference is that with death you lose someone you love while love remains, while with infidelity you lose that person, the feeling of being loved and safe, your love and trust for another human being and life as you knew it. You may even lose your children and your home, if a divorce follows. The sense of security is shattered and all the lives involved are shattered (not just the innocent spouse’s life, but the cheating husband’s and children’s as well).
The first reaction to discovery is physical: the person feels dizzy, can’t breathe and may pass out, feels a pounding heartbeat, chest tightness, and perhaps chest pains.
When the shock of discovery penetrates the brain, the first mental reaction may be shock or disbelief, best described as the numbness that follows a catastrophic event. Then there can be denial, as the mind tries to find a way to skip over the news, question its source, and undermine its value.
Anger will follow, sometimes directed at the partner, the third person involved, the messenger, fate, or even God, and the unfairness of it all. Anger can be followed or preceded by grief, and both will reoccur because these emotions are part of the grieving period.
The pain becomes more acute as days go by and depression is the likely next step. The person will lose interest in life and people and may have suicidal thoughts. There will also be social consequences: isolation and difficulty functioning at work, at home, or anywhere else.
Mood swings, irritability, hopelessness, and fear are normal.
Some people will develop anxiety as they feel insecure and obsessed with continually trying to find new signs of betrayal.
Eventually, acceptance will be the last stage of the circle of complaints and the person will move on. Only after acceptance, a couple will be able to choose whether they want to stay together and rebuild the relationship or not. Only after that, there will be hope for the future.