We all learn conversation through active oral practice from early childhood. During those years we are learning through an apprenticeship of observation with our ears and eyes and our practice through the mimicry of the speakers that surround us. Virtually no one stops learning to speak their native language and developing a basic vocabulary and manner of speaking unless they are hard of hearing.
However, while we learn to speak a language and interact, we may not learn to converse effectively. For example, if we do our learning in a hostile or competitive environment, we will most likely understand the conversation as a competition and behave accordingly.
THE CONVERSATION IS COLLABORATIVE
Therefore, our first secret to mastering conversation is to view it as a collaborative activity rather than a win-lose or superior competition. When we have installed this collaborative mindset around the conversation, our attitudes and behaviors during the conversation can and do change.
Conversation is like a dance, taking turns, following, and leading.
SPEND TIME WITH SKILLFUL CONVERSATORS
A second secret to mastering conversation is this: To get better, you need to spend time with expert conversationalists. Just as you need to play against better players to become more skilled in tennis, the same goes for speaking practice.
However, if you don’t work or live with great conversationalists, where do you find them?
WHERE TO FIND SKILLFUL TALKERS?
More and more conversation cafes are springing up
around North America. These are groups to learn and
practicing excellent skills at no cost. To find out if there is a
coffee in your area, consult [http://www.conversationcafes.org]. if so
There is no cafe in your area yet, you can easily open one.
Typically, these host groups meet weekly for about 90
minutes of friendly and satisfying conversation. Also, check
for a group of “cousins”, a Socrates Café for an in-depth discussion. Check
public workshops on interpersonal communication are also offered
by schools and training companies.
CONVERSATION IS A PROCESS OF KNOWLEDGE
The third secret is that conversation skills are a “process
knowledge”, not a “cognitive knowledge”. how to ride a bike
or handwriting a note, the knowledge is in the behavior. There
it is a certain “feel” in him. It is not knowing ‘that’. It is knowing HOW. That’s why the many books written on conversation are only marginally useful. Learning more effective ways of conversing (certain movements and phrases) is a bit like learning a foreign language. If we do not rehearse oral behaviors and only think about them, they will not be
available to use when we want to use them spontaneously.
Example: Many Japanese study English as “book learning”
for many years, but cannot converse in English in
even at the basic level. Because? Lack of oral practice with
fluent native speakers.
CONFIDENCE KEEPS LEARNING NEW SKILLS
The fourth secret is that one’s emotional confidence
usually follows but rarely precedes being skilled. This
It is true for almost any activity: juggling 3 balls, writing a
sales letter, roasting the holiday turkey. We have to do
behavior first before true trust arrives.
A feeling of discomfort and shyness.
often accompanied our attempts to learn a new process
knowledge, and this is especially natural that we are being
observed by others. Real trust is usually
a consequence of our repeated practice in learning a
skill pressing through any awkwardness to the point
that “I know I can do it because I have done it.”
Many people take their uncomfortable feelings to mean
should avoid an activity because it is uncomfortable
and could even be risky or dangerous. This is a common
error and has the effect of preventing people from obtaining
ability. Like the tennis player who competes only against
weaker players, these talkers never advance in their
skill level
Some discomfort comes with the territory of learning new
or different social skills. If we do not accept that reality,
we will remain cloistered in our comfort zone and not
extend into new behaviors.
In short, good conversation is a collaborative dance,
not a competition; For better learning, we must talk to
consummate conversationalists; then we must practice and not
just think about how to talk; and finally we must
overcome uncomfortable feelings that accompany learning
new social skills
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Loren Ekroth©2004