I receive a lot of correspondence from wives who describe their relationship with their husband as “roommates” or “brothers.” Usually they will use phrases like: “We just coexist, but there is no more loving behavior.” Another common phrase goes something like: “He doesn’t look at me like a man who loves a woman. He kind of looks right through me and acts a bit annoyed at my presence. He gives his friends more time and attention than he does. his wife. “Or,” We are not rude or angry with each other, but the relationship is like between a brother, sister or other family member rather than people who are husband and wife. “
Generally, this correspondence shares the same theme. Intimacy and closeness have been replaced by familiarity and complacency. This is not at all unusual and it does not mean that they no longer love each other or that the passion and spark are gone forever. What it generally means is that there have been some changes in the way time is spent and priorities are set. Sometimes this is more a reflection of social norms and pressures than how you feel about your spouse. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
Losing your passion in a marriage doesn’t necessarily mean that the underlying feelings are gone: People often make these false assumptions and allow this to perpetuate what might otherwise have been just a losing streak in the marriage that passed relatively quickly. People sometimes panic when this change comes and assume that their spouse no longer finds them attractive or lovable. This is often completely inaccurate.
In fact, often all it takes is changing the way your marital time is spent and rearranging your priorities to nurture and intensify the relationship (in a similar way to how you did at the beginning of the relationship). the time and effort that was devoted to them. What is often required is to change the behavior that gives you what you do not want to the behavior that is more likely to get what you want (even if that means that you are the one who makes the efforts in the beginning).
How Lack of Marital Time and Concentrated Efforts Negatively Contribute to the “Spark” of Leaving Your Marriage: Often when I ask people what they think is behind the chemistry or “spark” that leaves their marriage, I get very similar answers, no matter which spouse is giving those answers. Usually they both say things like “we split up,” “one of us has changed,” or “feelings are just gone from our marriage.” And all of these things may seem absolutely true. But it is very important to understand that there is a reason for these truths and that circumstances can be changed to, in turn, change the outcome.
You may start by wondering how much time you spend each week strengthening the relationship. I don’t mean sitting next to each other and watching the evening news or attending your children’s activity together. Sure, these things are a part of married life (especially with busy parents), but they do nothing to reinforce those intimate feelings. What I’m talking about are the things that put a big smile on your face when you were on your way to marriage. These are the things that reinforce the feelings you probably still have.
People are often not able to see that the feelings between two people are often the direct result of BOTH the quality and quantity of the efforts invested. It is not enough to say “well, we are together all the time, but we are sitting next to each other”. You have to be very active about it. The truth is, it is highly unrealistic to think that you can slip into your marriage and yet almost all of us do it and then scratch our heads and act very disappointed when feelings inevitably follow lack of effort.
Sometimes you will need to be the initiating spouse if you want to regain passion in your marriage: This is what I see is happening quite a bit. Many people know that they have to change things to get different and more favorable results. But, they may try something and feel rejected or vulnerable and then they will shut down because they feel rejected. They will start asking questions like “well why do I have to put myself out there when he’s sitting there like a lump in a log?”
The answer is that you have to do it because if you don’t, it is possible that no one will and the distance between you will only keep getting farther and farther apart. It is much better to act now, even if it feels strange, vulnerable and scary so that it stops more damage. And you may have to accept that it will take a while before you get the results you want.
You don’t have to do something that makes you uncomfortable or unpleasant. Begin by beginning to remember some of the activities that you used to enjoy together. Take your focus off the things that don’t matter as much to your quality of life and dedicate the resulting free time to your marriage. This can mean simple, inexpensive things like taking a walk after dinner or making time to really talk and listen. It may mean bringing back hobbies that used to bring them closer and that they have long since given up. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money or take a long time. It just has to be nice and create a feeling of partnership.
Many people assume that a lack of passion is due solely to attraction and chemistry. This is only partially true. If you feel close and attached to your spouse, passionate feelings will naturally follow. Your brain is as much a part of passion as other parts of your body. It’s not just about sex. It’s as much about feeling loved, feeling understood, and feeling valuable enough to make and receive a decent effort.